Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Remembering Michelle

To be honest, I really didn't know how to start off this post.  So I will say it; Michelle is only one of two women in my lifetime that I truly loved, and while I was young when it came onto me like an incessant whirlwind you could not dissipate, being young made it no less potent.  If anything, it amplified all the rawness and pain that I felt for it being unrequited.   I do remember her from even before I had been a high school sophomore and that she was exceedingly beautiful and feminine, unlike women now days that feel they have to festoon their bodies with tattoos and gradually wear on their physiology with drugs and partying.  

If "alpha female" equated to Michelle, she was quite the prize at the time.  She was a senior, and not only was she gorgeous, but academically bright, lady-like, kept her nose clean, and had the warmest smile I had ever seen.  There were many things to adore about her to a driven but gangly, introverted teen such as myself.  I don't recall exactly at one point that my lionization would infect my loins like a raging fever I couldn't rid myself from, but I do know when she discovered it.   Perhaps the death of a couple of relatives at that period only added to my dismay; they had died in an abrupt car crash.  Now life and love had another meaning; it could be profound but taken away at any time.  She needed to know how I felt because life was fleeting.

Of course, Michelle it not know how strongly I desired her; never before was I moved so deeply by a woman.  Yes, lust was a part of it, but if it had been only sexual I could have moved on.  That was not so easy.    At fifteen, I was floored by it---I'll be up front and state I didn't know how to come to terms with it.  At the time, I wondered if it had been any more powerful I would have moved proverbial mountains just to be with her.

Not that it mattered.  I was a somewhat nerdy younger guy with a crush.  That was it in her world.  That fact alone was eating away at me, but would be even more brutal when I would see her with a bone-headed football player she had befriended.  Sometimes, I wondered if she had latched on to him as a token boyfriend to prevent me from continued pursuit, although she would smile that particular smile to me on occasion and speak to or about me in passing.  It wasn't just the idea she had a trophy beau on her arm that was devastating; it was because I was not even considered despite her coy and wispy acknowledgments of me.  I was in a lower caste, regardless.  I even ruminated if I might as well have been dead, and that my passing would only been thought of momentarily in her life--and she would continue without that much fanfare.

What is paramount is that I was a romantic soul that truly did believe in loyalty, self-sacrifice, passion, and devotion to a woman that I was enamored with.  It is somewhat difficult to convey that belief now despite other posters finding me fairly articulate and direct.  There were other young women, but in my world Michelle was like the chosen one; I wanted her as a soulmate so badly that it tore at the fibers of my being.  For an entire year, I burned with that core fire that would eventually yield to a colder, more darker flame that would not be the same ever since.

Oh yeah, I did mention that I loved another woman later on.  But even then, I was not the same.  Andrea refused to understand that about me despite (supposedly) adoring me to the point of fixation, and as much as she wanted me, I had changed at a younger age.   A crucial part of not loving simply every woman that came along is that very few would ever appreciate what I would have done for Michelle to be at my side for a lifetime, and it transformed me unalterably.  I don't give my respect and love out to just any woman, because Ameriskanks don't respect and love men back in the same fashion.   Michelle would not do the same for me at all.  I had to come to grips with that notion, and it was like trying to grapple with a venomous tiger.   And once that proverbial struggle was over, I came out the other side scarred and stoic.   

There are women out there that think nothing of how heartbreak effects men.  They will even deride and openly mock those same men, not regarding the former and also not realizing their derision leads to more cynicism and even bad karma for those women.  You do get what you give, and those women in kind---in their hubris---refuse to come to terms with how mistreating, demonizing, abusing, and marginalizing men creates the problems that poison the well---even in our culture.  If men took the personal as political (as feminists do) the landscape of the relationships between the sexes would look very, very different.  To say the least, most women would think twice about purposefully hurting men on one level or another, and at the more extreme, the feminist nightmare of what they perceive is oppression and men's anger---one which they are reaping despite their claims to the contrary---would be made manifest.  It is quite a testament to men's reluctance to be at war with women, if anything.  We are not bred to hate them.   But we are not their punching bags or drones, either.   

There was not one real pivotal moment that lead me to become as I am now, but the Michelles of the world will not know the influence they have.  The magic has been constrained like a hermetically sealed talisman; it may just never return.  Women  cry for that romantic soul will not come back, at least not in this lifespan.   And they should be very worried about that.

My experience may seem to pale in the view of men in child support custody battles or dealing with a violent woman bent on destroying their partners somehow, but I have changed.  I have become that man that can say "No" to anything a woman does in my personal life I don't like at all, to the one that can walk away without looking back.  This frightens Ameriskanks more than the guy that cheats, the one that is emotionally or physically abusive, or the one they purport is a "lazy, no good bastard" that lets himself go.  We are dangerous in the light that we are looking out for ourselves since none of them would bother to do the same.  After all, if they truly don't need us, perhaps we can return the favor and let them stare in the mirror at their own real cause of their problems.

There is more I could say, but Michelle has contributed to the man that has walked away.  There is a heavy price tag to pay for creating men like me, whether is was indirect or not---or if they realize it or not.     

If any substantial number of women begin to wonder why they're suffering, and really want to know why, the information is available. The Buddha explained it all quite clearly 2500 years ago. He was surely not the first, nor will he be the last. Afterwards he simply walked away from the melodrama.  ---Philalethes


Aurini said...

That was beautiful

Anonymous said...

It's not all bad. When women and men hit their 30s, this is what typically happens...

(1) Less men will want older women for long term. Her beauty is a depreciating asset. She'll get fat or wrinkly over time. Media comes up nonsense to cover this truth. Things like the idea of the "Cougar" and "Men are intimidated by successful women". (Nothing can fight the power of Nature. Especially a woman's biological clock! And most women at this age will be desperate for a sucker. They only care about their clock!)

(2) Presuming you work hard in your education, career, and continuous self improvement of your skills; you'll be an appreciating asset as time goes on. The more successful you are, the more women will notice you...Your revenge is that you'll be able to pick and reject which woman you want! (Pick the younger ones over the older!)

Don't ever marry...This scares women. (Deep down, they know they need men).

They will come up with all sorts of arguments to push men into marriage. Nonsense like "You'll die alone"; "Money can't buy you love"; "What about your legacy?"; "I'm the best you'll ever get!"; Etc, Etc. Really nothing more than empty threats. They know they can't really stop you, if you ignore them!

Men are nothing more than a portable money and sperm storage facility. That's all we are to women. Whatever is convenient to them. (Because society has molded them into this behaviour.)

My overall point is this:

* There is light at the end of the tunnel. But you must work hard for it. Karma does bite women back in the butt when they get older. A man must be patient. Time is on a man's side. Not the woman's!

* Don't ever let women control you. Draw a line in the sand and say "No". This is your life and you run on your plan, not theirs! The moment they feel they own you and try to order you around, kick them out. Get rid of them! You aren't a person to be bossed around.

We need to get back to the man where he is both wise and doesn't tolerate nonsense. No more nice guys and manginas.

Sociopathic Revelation said...

There's no doubt about that there's a good deal of truth about what you said.

I hadn't seen Michelle in years, and in all honesty one day I stumbled on a few pictures her brother had on his facebook page (he was linked to me for whatever the reason; it was actually his page that I was glancing over because he's a grappling instructor). She's not hideous now, but she's gained weight and I think she either never married or divorced and is now saddled with kids. She used to be model hot, and I'm not making that up as far as her physical appearance. Not so much now. I think I know where she works, but I never found out or bothered to stop in. Maybe some day. Maybe not.

And not because it would be too painful now, as much as that it was only of mild curiosity (and on my days off I was training in both mixed and traditional martial arts and working out. I simply didn't have the time).

The best thing I did was stop caring. Yes, it changed me, but women don't want to come to grips that I am not here to submit to them (ultimately) in my personal life---and that event in my life led me to this point, irrevocably. It's giving them to much power and I can't have that.

Anonymous said...

I understand your bitterness toward women. Feminism is a poison that spoils culture and society. And I've been perceiving a pattern no matter the issue: when the action is radical, the reaction will be radical too, History patterns are just like this.
I live in Brazil, where the Feminist Movement isn't important, so I never thought on genders terms. I've always thought on human beings terms. And my personal troubles with the opposite sex will never become political, at least not on my part.
I'd just like to see no generalizations. For instance regarding to older women. It's relative, if the women take care of themselves age isn't an issue. The same is valid to the men.
Anyway I understand your bitterness because you speak from the perspective of your own culture and country. That's normal because when I think about men uncounsciouly I judge them based on my experiences with the brazilian lads. I never thought this could ever happen to me, but it did. Now I am aware of it next time I will get ready to not fall into this trap again. The result will be better relationships with men despite their nationalities.

A brazilian woman.